


The Fear of Falling Apart

by kadabralin



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: AkuRoku - Freeform, M/M, fixit fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-22
Updated: 2017-06-06
Packaged: 2018-10-22 17:40:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 13,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10701876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kadabralin/pseuds/kadabralin
Summary: What if Axel had rescued Roxas from his virtual prison? Let's find out. Pure, self-indulgent fix-it fic.





	1. i won't give up without a fight

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first fic I've ever written, and it's the first thing I've wanted to write in well over a year. I'm slowly working my way through the KH games for the first time and this ship hit me hard. So I'm clearing out all the rust and giving this my best shot. I hope you enjoy!
> 
> My inspirations for this were Roxas's theme and This is Gospel by P!atD. Take that as you will.

If Axel believed in luck, he’d be thanking his lucky stars.

He had made up his mind. Roxas was gone, there was no turning back, he wouldn’t allow himself to become a Dusk. But the two— _two_ —keyblades had caught him completely off guard. The little twerp was full of surprises, wasn’t he? Leaving him guessing. It was a wonder that Roxas had the restraint to not destroy him completely. He was left with serious injuries, and he’d used far too much energy. Roxas dismissed his keyblade to allow him to retreat, defeated, evaporating away into the empty nothingness. Saïx was going to skin him alive. 

"See you in the next life."

“Yeah. I’ll be waiting.”

For the briefest moment, almost not there at all, Axel saw just a glimpse of recognition on Roxas’s face. It was gone in a split second, but it was enough for him. Enough to make the most impulsive and stupid decision of his not-life, and he’d been making a lot of those decisions lately. Axel wouldn’t let this final chance slip away, and Roxas was wide open.

"Silly. Don’t let your guard down."

He didn’t hesitate. In a split second he’d summoned his chakrams, catching Roxas by surprise. One good hit, two good hits before he could resummon the keyblade, a third to knock him out cold. Running on adrenaline alone he scooped Roxas up and he was moving. Moving fast, through corridor after corridor, running from DiZ and his ugly, bandaged head. Running from this horrible, fake digital reality that had taken away the Roxas he’d known. From the Dusks and the Organization and Naminé’s influence. Running, with the last of his energy, as far as the Darkness would take him.

Axel couldn’t return to the Organization. He never would. And Roxas would never forgive him if he did.

He had no idea where the Darkness had spit them out. It wasn’t anywhere he’d recognized or been before (and probably better that way, really). They couldn’t stay in the open, they needed to hide, but there was no way in hell he could make it any further.

"Shit, not yet, come on—" but his body was collapsing, betraying him, giving up under the stress of his injuries and caving in, unable to move. He crashed to the dusty earth with Roxas in his arms. Perhaps this was it. He was fading away, no more energy left to give, and his mind was slipping down down down. He would disappear into nothingness, a final sacrificial act to save the only person he ever liked. Distantly, Axel thought, maybe ceasing to exist wasn’t so bad.

At least Roxas was free.


	2. The stranger

He’d been dreaming of sandy beaches and the beating of waves as they crashed to shore, of a girl with short bobbed hair who was painfully familiar, and the oppressive heat of the tropical sun above. As he awoke he felt heavy and sore, and the heat remained, warm, _too warm_. It wasn’t until Roxas tried to roll over and kick off his bedsheets that he realized he wasn’t actually in a bed, and he certainly wasn’t at home. He blinked open his eyes and everything was blurry and dark, he was on dusty hard ground, and it was _hot_. Which was when he finally noticed there was a tall, gangly figure on top of him, radiating heat like a furnace and crushing him.

“Hey— Hey!” Roxas grunted, shoving and squirming his way out from under the suffocating heat. His companion didn’t respond, deadweight. He would have thought they were dead if it weren’t for the intense heat wafting off of them.

“Hayner! Pence! Olette!” Silence. Roxas sat up and took a quick look at the expansive emptiness around him. There was no sign of civilization, no people, just the rocky ground beneath him and the impressive display of stars above. They had to be no where close to Twilight Town. Where is the world was he, and how did he even get here? He was going to go to the beach with everyone and— 

Dread filled the pit of his stomach as he remembered. Naminé, the man with the red bandages, the room with the computers, everything had been a lie, everything— _Axel_. He turned sharply to look at the unconscious figure beside him. It was hard to see, even beneath the light of the stars, but the spiky red hair and gangly features were a dead giveaway.

“Hey, Axel! Wake up, where are we?” Roxas shoved Axel’s shoulder roughly and got no response in return. “Come on!” He stood up in frustration, kicking the ground beneath his feet. They were in the middle of nowhere, and he was stuck with a man he barely remembered but felt he _should_ remember, and all he wanted was to go home and smile and laugh with his friends and enjoy the rest of summer vacation. But, he remembered, he didn’t have a home to return to, did he?

Roxas paced in the dark, growing more and more irritated by the lack of answers. Axel had them, or at least he had claimed he did, but besides the occasional groan he was completely unresponsive. He contemplated walking away, leaving Axel behind and trying to find his way… somewhere. Anywhere that wasn’t here. Roxas gave him another quick look as a twinge of guilt twisted his insides. They’d been fighting, and afterwards he remembered, remembered leaving, walking away from Axel and the Organization to find answers too far out of reach.

“When you wake up, you’re telling me everything,” he hissed under his breath, reaching down and lifting him up by the armpits. Finding shelter, at least, was as good an option as any for now. Axel was all arms and legs but he was heavy; by the time he found a rocky alcove to rest he was exhausted. Everything hurt, his chest ached most of all, and he sat down to curl into himself. He felt empty, a bottomless pit that devoured his insides, reminding him that he was entirely alone. Maybe it was all horrible nightmare, and he’d wake up back in his bed in Twilight Town, Hayner throwing rocks at his window, Pence with his camera…

He thought of homework and ice cream and sunny beaches until the darkness finally lulled him to sleep.


	3. Honesty is the best policy

Faintly, Axel was amused by the awareness he still existed. He sluggishly drifted in and out of consciousness, in no rush to go anywhere, trying to remember why he was worried in the first place. He mulled it over again and again, waiting for the fog in his head to clear, until it struck him, sharp as a blade. Roxas. The Organization. DiZ. _Danger danger danger._ It jolted him awake.

“Roxas!”

He was greeted by the keyblade pressed against his throat.

“I want answers.” Axel studied the expression on Roxas’s face, the way his eyes squinted and how his lips were drawn in a tight line. He tried to sit up but regretted it immediately. 

“I guess you still don’t remember. What a pain. That guy really did a number on you.” He grimaced when Roxas pressed the keyblade more aggressively against his skin.

“I remember… leaving.” Roxas looked away, as if thinking, but his piercing blue gaze quickly returned. “I left for a reason. I’m not going back to the Organization.”

So he _did_ remember something. The night he left. That was something, enough to give Axel hope he could make him remember more. “Good, because we’re not going back. And even if I wanted to drag you back with me, I’m spent.” He weakly raised a hand and gestured toward himself. “I’m at your mercy, oh chosen one.”

Roxas’s grip on his keyblade faltered, and slowly he lowered it, letting it vanish entirely in a burst of light. “Oh.” There was a brief silence. “Then why are we here? Where are we?”

“Dunno.” Axel took a quick look around and noted the very uncomfortable rocky surface beneath him. “I wanted to get as far away as possible, so here we are. Should take them some time to find us.” Hopefully, he thought. There was always a chance DiZ and the Organization would destroy themselves in the race to use Roxas for their own ends, but that outcome was far too much in their favor to be likely. The Organization had, after all, ordered him to kill Roxas.

“I’ll tell you whatever you want. You don’t happen to have a potion on you, do you?” Of course not.

“We’re best friends. No secrets between us, right?” Roxas eyed him suspiciously, and honestly he couldn’t blame the kid. Even before everything went to shit he’d tried to lie to protect him, and it only made things worse. Maybe if Roxas had known everything all along, maybe… “Start from the beginning.” 

This was going to be a long day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote a lot of bits in one sitting and I'm currently in the process of editing. I make no promises of quality or that this will get finished, but I'm giving it my best. I've also drawn some characterization and canon from the manga, just in case there's weird shit that didn't happen in the games. Sometimes I forget what happened where, whoops!


	4. Red

“All I’m saying is, if we can find a way to jog your real memories and get rid of those icky fake ones, that would make my life a _hell_ of a lot easier.” Axel had found enough energy to prop himself up on his side to rummage through his pockets. Roxas watched him with a mix of concern and annoyance. What if he didn’t _want_ to give up his fake memories? His previous life didn’t sound all that great, and his memories of Twilight Town were so vivid and happy. But he knew, deep down, the only way to know the truth was to not live DiZ’s lie, no matter how pleasant. The thought made him feel sick.

“Aha!” Axel’s face brightened considerably as he pulled an envelope out of his pocket. “Here, maybe this will help.” He slid the wrinkled envelope toward him, and Roxas dumped the contents into his hand.

“...Winner sticks?” Roxas knitted his brows together and flipped them over. Maybe there was a secret message on the back? “Why?”

For a split second Axel looked completely exasperated. “You gave them to me when you left. We used to eat sea salt ice cream on the clocktower all the time, you and me. Remember?” Axel looked at him expectantly and Roxas reflexively wanted to say no, don’t be ridiculous. It was always him and Hayner and Olette and… 

But that didn’t feel right. The memory was there, clear as day, the four of them. Except the more he thought, the more twisted his insides felt, and Roxas dropped the popsicle sticks as if they’d burned him. Twilight Town, the clocktower, _bet you don’t know why the sun sets red_. His head was killing him.

“Yo. Buddy.” Axel pushed himself into a slouch against the rocky wall. “You okay?”

“Yeah.” Roxas’s head felt detached from his body, floating away, confused and muddled and dizzy. He stared down and concentrated on the soles of Axel’s boots to ground himself. “Yeah. I’m fine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll write longer chapters one day.


	5. Home

It was a complete wasteland.

Roxas felt he tension in his body slowly ease, letting his shoulders drop, his jaw unclench, no longer instinctively flexing his hand to call the keyblade at any sign of trouble. There wasn’t a sign of _anything_ , really. No Dusks, no DiZ, not even Heartless made their presence known. Barren. Empty. Like they shouldn’t be here at all, as if something had devastated the entire landscape, a permanent scar. If he could look inside, was this what a Nobody was like?

Over a few days Axel had recovered enough to stand. He left Roxas alone only to travel to some distant world for food and supplies, leaving him to his own devices. Oddly, as he passed the time smacking rocks with his keyblade, growing used to how it felt in his hands, he started to miss the monotony of homework. ( _Fake_ homework, he had to remind himself). And although Roxas still wasn’t completely sure he could trust Axel and the things he said, he quickly grew to need his company. The appearance of the black, shimmering corridors as he returned from elsewhere filled him with a sense of relief, calming the deep void in his chest.

“We can go anywhere you want, you know,” Axel told him. “Except Twilight Town.” That made sense, of course. They couldn’t stay here forever (not that he wanted to). The thought of Twilight Town, of _home_ , tempted him, but it brought the tension back with it. Somehow the thought of the _real_ Twilight Town made him feel all the worse. 

“I wouldn’t know where to go.”

So they stayed, hidden away in their dusty hole in the wall. During the day, to pass the time, they would train, or simply talk. (Axel did most of the talking). He’d picked up a deck of cards somewhere on the way, but all Roxas knew to play was Go Fish.

The nights were mostly quiet. Axel would make a campfire and Roxas would lay down and stare at the stars above them. Twilight Town was a quiet place near the sea, but it was far too bright for such an intense display of stars to show. He could watch them for hours and get lost in the erratic spattering of lights across the sky. Occasionally he’d look over to see Axel watching him. Roxas couldn’t read his expression, but something about it made his stomach flutter and he had to look away, face burning. Maybe he couldn’t fully trust Axel, not yet, not after everything he’d experienced, but it felt… right. It felt right to trust him, to be close to him, and he could _feel_ how much Axel wanted him to remember. When the morning sun rose, blazing at full force, Axel hid behind a facade of indifference, but the cool light of the moon betrayed him. Roxas felt Axel’s stare burn him alive until he fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should/could have added this bit to the previous chapter, but it was late and I had to sleep. Oh well!


	6. Pieces of broken memories

“This is Traverse Town. Got it memorized?” Axel grinned down at Roxas, moving smoothly around a couple taking up the entire walkway. “I thought we could use a vacation. You know, get out of the rock for a while.” 

Axel had stumbled upon this world completely by accident. He was unbelievably fed up with that stupid, dirty wasteland they’d holed up in. He’d been thinking he could use a nice hot shower, and maybe Roxas would like to sleep in an actual bed, and if there were a place that was actually _safe_ , and suddenly there it was. Traverse Town.

“They have a hotel. We could stay there a while.”

Roxas perked up just slightly, finally torn away from looking at everything with big, wide eyes. “But what if I like the wasteland?” he asked, in complete seriousness.

Axel pressed a hand to his forehead. “You serious? Roxas, buddy, you’re killing me. My _back_ is killing me. Why would you like it there?”

“I don’t. I was kidding.” Roxas looked away and walked ahead, a small, wry smile on his face. It was a ghost, just a flicker, of the smiles Axel remembered from the clock tower. He hadn’t seen Roxas smile once, let alone crack a joke, in, well, forever. It was something small, but in made something in his chest feel tight, in a good way. Axel supposed if he had a heart he’d know what it was. But for now he was simply grateful.

Axel secured them a nice room at the hotel, _the red room_ the receptionist said. (Roxas asked Axel where he possibly got the munny for this hotel, but he merely shrugged and said not to worry about it). He went straight for the shower, a long one with water hot as lava, until he was absolutely certain he’d washed out all the dust. That place gave him the creeps. If they never went back and he could wash out all trace of it, the better.

“Hey, Rox, you hungry?” Axel stepped out of the bathroom, towel on his head and scrutinizing the dirt that infested his coat. Roxas didn’t respond. “Roxas?”

There he was, sound asleep and curled on the bed, looking disproportionately small compared to the size of the bed. Axel felt a twinge of disappointment. So much for sight seeing, or, well, anything. But Roxas had been looking like complete shit and it was probably better he get some decent rest.

Plus, it gave Axel time to search for ice cream.


	7. Don't try to sleep through the end of the world

Roxas didn’t know when the nightmares started.

It was becoming harder and harder to sleep through the night. He was remembering things, flashes, and they were impossible to piece together. It wasn’t so bad when he was awake, but at night everything jumbled together, a chaotic mass of his old memories, memories of Twilight Town, and memories he recognized but weren’t really his own. It left him frustrated and dizzy, unable to lie still or get comfortable, as his head tried to detangle the damage done. 

At some point they dissolved into something sinister. He would sleep in fits and starts, the nightly olympic feat of sorting memory after memory until his mind was so exhausted it just gave up. He would sink into a deep, dreamless sleep until suddenly he could see himself, alone in the darkness, surrounded by hoards of unstoppable Darkness. The keyblade wasn’t enough, he wasn’t enough, and he watched helplessly as world after world was swallowed into the inky black nothingness. _All your fault, all your fault._ The islands and it’s shimmering sea, Pence calling out for help, the short-haired girl reaching out a hand, and Axel. Eaten away until nothing remained and he was alone again. _All your fault, all your fault, all of this because of you, Roxas._ Xemnas, grinning in the darkness, looking up at Kingdom Hearts.

He awoke in a cold sweat, drenched, sucking in quick breaths of air that never felt like enough. The first time he was alone. Axel was gone, there was a note on the bedside table, but he couldn’t collect himself enough to read it. Instead he paced back and forth across the room, palms of his hands pressed into his eyes until finally, finally, the tightness in his chest slowly eased and he could _breathe_. Exhausted, trembling, and sick to his stomach.

Other times Axel was there. He was completely at a loss at first. Roxas sat up in bed, a sob caught in his throat as he choked on his breath, fists clenched in the bed sheets. Axel looked up from where he sat across the room, idly paging through a book. He stood quickly, book falling to the floor, forgotten.

“Holy shit, Roxas, what’s wrong?” But Roxas couldn’t respond, only hiccup and gasp. “Jeez, you’re hyperventilating.” Axel sat on the edge of the bed and reached out a hand, tentatively touching Roxas’s shoulder and quickly pulling it back, uncertain. Another moment and Roxas still failed to answer, so Axel carefully wrapped his arms around his smaller frame, loosely at first, and then tight. Roxas fisted his hands into Axel’s chest, crushing his face into his shoulder, shakey inhales. Eventually there was silence, Roxas unwilling to move away, and Axel unwilling to let go.

“You okay?” Axel rested his chin on top of Roxas’s damp hair.

“I remember Neverland,” Roxas murmured after a moment of silence, still unsure of himself. “We could fly.”

Axel cracked a smile. “That was great, wasn’t it? We should go back sometime.”

It was almost a nightly ritual. Roxas would wake up in the middle of the night, feeling as if he’d been strangled, and Axel would pull him in tight against his chest, hands on Roxas’s back and fingers gently in his hair until he was fine again, and he could tell Axel what he remembered. Eventually Axel just stayed in bed with him, pressed against his back, warm and secure and a little awkward. But it helped.

“You ever going to tell me what the dream is about?” Axel asked one night, kicking the covers off the bed. Who needed them, anyway?

“I don’t remember.” It was a lie, of course, and he wanted to tell him. Yet once he was awake, it felt entirely ridiculous, and his words stuck in his throat when he thought of mentioning it. 

“Whatever it is, I’ll take care of it. Promise.”

Roxas believed him.


	8. Still alive

He had no idea how long they’d been separated. Traverse Town was unusually busy today for no particular reason Roxas could discerne. He had never seen so many people crowded into such a small space and it made him feel almost claustrophobic. After bumping into several people and getting whacked with shopping bags one too many times, Roxas was _annoyed_ and wanted to go back to the hotel. But Axel had other ideas.

“Hang on, Rox. I have a surprise for you.” They’d stopped at a stall. Axel was having an enthusiastic conversation with the merchant when a crowd swept through, shoving Roxas from the place he’d been leaning, into the swarm, whisking Axel from his sight. By the time he’d fought his way back to the stall Axel was gone.

Jerk. 

Hoping Axel had gone somewhere less crowded to look for him, Roxas skirted around the crowd, looking for any flash of bright red. 

Growing increasingly frustrated, he abandoned the attempt altogether. If Axel wanted to find him, he could go back to the hotel. But Roxas had never been on this side of town before. Nothing looked familiar, and the alleys twisted and turned until somehow he ended up behind a strip of shops. He stopped and hunched his shoulders, scowling at the ground. Damn it, Axel, where could he have gone?

Suddenly Roxas felt the cool, sharp tip of a blade against the back of his neck.

“Well, well, the rumors _were_ true. You _did_ fly the coop.” The woman behind him giggled, tracing the tip of the blade up the back of his neck. “It’s about time, Roxas.”

“Who are you?” Roxas asked, skin prickling with static, every hair standing on end. The woman withdrew her blade and grabbed Roxas firmly by the shoulder, spinning him around to face her. She leaned in and peered at him intently, hands on her hips, a faint pout on her lips. Something about her was familiar, but he couldn’t place why. Her hair reminded him vaguely of a bug.

“Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten about me _already_. That’s absolutely _insulting_.” She scoffed when all she received was a blank stare. “It’s _Larxene_ , dummy.”

“Larxene…” The name echoed in the back of his mind, bringing a few memories to the surface. He took a quick step back. “You’re with the Organization.”

She smiled. “Bingo.” She examined the blades in between her fingers. “Formerly, anyway.”

Roxas frowned and knitted his brows together. He wanted to ask why, what did she mean, but the sound of quick footsteps behind him alerted him to another presence, and the sound of Axel’s voice made him jump.

“Roxas! Shit. I was looking everywhere…” He stopped dead in his tracks, unmoving, eyes locked on Larxene. Roxas had never seen Axel look that completely alarmed.

“ _You!?_ ” Larxene stood back defensively, a scowl on her face as Axel stepped carefully in front of him. “I should have known the little brat’s babysitter would be here.” 

“And here I thought Sora had finally rid the world of your presence.” The tension was tangible in the air, shimmering with electricity and red-hot heat. Roxas stood on edge, glancing between the two of them. Should he intervene? Should they run? Larxene clearly didn’t have any intentions of being friendly.

“I could say the same for you, _traitor_!” Before Roxas could react Larxene had attacked, sharp blades and static narrowly missing him. Axel had his chakrams at ready, fire blazing. 

“Roxas, run!”

Run? Axel was _fighting_ , he couldn’t just leave. What if… What if something happened? Roxas moved down the alley, looking quickly for some kind of high ground. Something in him tugged, told him he had to stop them, that letting Axel destroy Larxene would be the opposite of helpful. He jumped, scrambled onto a heavy stack of boxes and pulled himself onto a nearby roof, keyblade in hand. There was an opening right there in the center between them, and if he timed it right…

Roxas took a leap of faith.

“Stop!” He landed swiftly in the center, slamming the keyblade onto the ground, sending Axel and Larxene backwards with the impact.

“Roxas, what the hell are you doing!?” Axel shoved himself to his feet, stepping forward to attack again, but Roxas swiftly blocked his path.

“Stop! Stop fighting. What’s going on?”

“Didn’t Flameboy teach you to pick your battles?” Larxene said sharply, eyes narrowed on the both of them. “I was going to ask you to join me, but I can’t have _him_ blowing our cover again. So I might have to take you _both_ out.” 

Roxas braced himself for an attack, ready to defend, but something gave Larxene pause. She was no longer looking at them.

“ _Enough_.” Someone spoke from the dark alley to his side and Roxas turned to see. “Forgive me, it’s nothing personal.” Axel suddenly reached out a hand, latched onto his shoulder, but he wasn’t quite fast enough. In a flurry of petals and a flash of pink he was struck hard, knocking out his breath, and everything faded to black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I listened to Still Alive as I wrote this.


	9. Imperfect impostors

There were voices, muffled and angry, making his head throb. He could distantly pick out Axel's voice, shouting above the rest. He blinked away the blurriness in his eyes and shifted with a groan. Why was everything so damn _loud_?

"Axel?"

Sudden silence.

"I told you he hadn't been hurt that badly." A voice Roxas did and didn't recognize.

He could see Axel stepping toward him, determined, but Larxene got in the way, cutting off his view.

“You still haven’t agreed to our terms, Axel.” The man with pink hair said cooly.

“Fuck your terms. Roxas isn’t your pawn. Let him go, or I’ll _make_ you.”

“Because you did _such_ a good job last time, didn’t you?” Larxene cut in.

“I would have burnt you out of existence if Roxas hadn’t--”

“Shut up!” Roxas pushed himself to a wobbly stand, hand against his sore middle. “Stop yelling and tell me what’s going on.”

“That’s cute. He thinks he can make demands,” Larxene purred, turning to smile his way. Something about her smile made him incredibly uneasy. “Marluxia, why can’t we just get rid of him?” She turned her attention back to Axel. “He did betray us, after all.”

Marluxia had been watching Roxas, curious, and he didn’t look away even as he spoke. “Maybe, but he could still be of some use to us. You’re a traitor of the Organization now, too, aren’t you, Axel? You could use some allies.” He was smiling, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes, as if he didn’t feel anything at all. “And you, Roxas, would make a great addition this time.”

“I don’t know how you’re alive, and maybe it ruined your listening skills, but we are _not_ \--”

“We’ll do it. We’ll join you.” Roxas didn’t think before he spoke, just interjected, cutting Axel off completely. Axel looked at him as if he had carrots growing out of his ears. “I’ll do whatever you want.”

“Roxas, what the _fuck._.”

“Interesting.” Marluxia’s smile widened. “The boy hardly remembers anything, and yet he’s willing to help. Let him go, Larxene.”

Reluctantly she stepped aside, arms crossed tight across her chest. Roxas timidly stepped forward and ignored the hand Axel offered. Axel withdrew it with a grunt.

“Don’t think this means we _trust_ you. One wrong move and I won’t hesitate to destroy you.” Larxene only looked at Axel when she spoke. “You can go. We’ll find you when we need you.”

“Right.” Roxas barely glanced Axel’s way, unable to look at him. The anger he was sensing was intimidating. “Where’s… the hotel from here?”

The journey back to the hotel was filled with aggressive silence. Axel was fuming, Roxas could tell, but he wasn’t saying anything, and somehow that made the situation worse. At least he knew what Axel was thinking when he spoke, but the silence was unnerving. He had so many questions, too, but maybe now wasn’t the right time to ask.

Once safe and secure in the hotel room, Axel finally found it in him to speak.

“What the hell were you thinking, Roxas? Teaming up with the people who tried to kill us?” Roxas wanted to interject and say Larxene only seemed to want to kill _him_ , but thought better of it. Axel threw his hands up in the air, turned away, and then quickly turned back, waiting for an answer.

“It felt like the right thing to do.”

“The ‘right thing’? You don’t even know who they are! How could you know it’s the ‘right thing’?”

“You were supposed to tell me everything. Why didn’t you mention them,” Roxas shot back defensively. Axel ran his fingers through his hair.

“I thought they were dead. It wasn’t important.” He leaned against the wall with a scowl. “Besides, you barely knew them before they were sent to Castle Oblivion. Met them once, maybe.”

“Castle Oblivion?” It rang a bell.

“Yeah. Xemnas’s ‘special project’, remember? I was sent there for a while, everyone died, except me. I _saw_ it happen.”

Roxas wasn’t completely satisfied with the answer. “But why? How are they alive?”

“I don’t know! It shouldn’t be possible.” Axel seemed incredibly uncomfortable by this confession. “It doesn’t make sense.” 

Roxas pursed his lips together and Axel sighed. “Xemnas knew they were plotting against him. He sent me there to take them out.” He shrugged a little. “Guess I’m bad at my job.”

Roxas sat down on the bed, hands between his knees, thinking. “They want us to help them destroy Xemnas.” His typical nightmare flashed through his mind, Xemnas grinning at Kingdom Hearts with open arms, the world decaying around them, _thank you for all your help, Roxas._ “He needs to be stopped.”

“It didn’t work at all last time, it’s definitely not going to work this time. We should get the hell out of this stupid world.”

“They have us, this time. And Xemnas is never going to stop pursuing me. You know that.” DiZ was another problem entirely. But there was a burning question in the back of Roxas’s mind, about Sora, about how _he_ had played a role. The idea that Axel was still withholding information, even information he found unimportant, bubbled inside him. Sora was the link, Sora was the secret, and Axel hadn’t explained much of anything about him.

For now, that could wait. Wait for the right time. 

“Whatever, Roxas. If this is what you want to do with your freedom, fine.” Axel reached for his coat, which he’d been leaving behind in the hotel since their arrival to Traverse Town. He slipped it on, muttering something about ‘too stubborn for your own good’. “I’m going out, stay here.”

Roxas didn’t want Axel to leave, not like this. He was sick of lies, sick of secrets, sick of _not knowing_ , but what if Axel never came back? “You said you had a surprise, earlier. Before…”

“It’s too late, now.” Axel didn’t look at him as he walked out the door. “And if you ever get lost again, I’ll kick your ass.”

Once Axel was gone, Roxas just stared at the door with a frown.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the mild angst, at least this is a longer one.


	10. About to bloom

There was a tense quiet that seeped into the walls and every corner of the room, into his clothes and under his skin, leaving him disgruntled and irritated. Axel wanted to say something, but didn’t know what. Nothing he could have said felt right, and he assumed Roxas wouldn’t care to listen to him, anyway. But the longer the silence carried on - the longer he waited for Marluxia and Larxene to appear again like some kind of zombie horror - the worse Axel felt. 

And even worse than that, he could feel Roxas pulling away, shrinking away inside himself, angry and confused, the way he'd been the night Axel had left...the way he’d seemed those first few days after Twilight Town.

After almost a week, he found Roxas sitting outside in the garden behind the hotel, watching as the black-blue sky slowly faded to pink and orange under the first flickerings of sunlight, the stars smothered out under the more powerful light.

Axel broke the silence first.

“Yo.” He took a seat next to Roxas, hunching over and daring to glance at him. “You’re up early.”

Roxas shrugged a little in reply, staring at the skyline. “Yeah. Couldn’t sleep.”

“Hmm.” Axel scratched his forehead. “You hungry? I got you something?” Axel sounded uncertain. “As an apology.”

“An apology for what?” Roxas tilted his head to look at him.

“A lot of things, honestly.” Axel picked up the brown paper bag sitting next to him. It was a weird thing, apologizing. He couldn’t remember ever having to actually do it before. It was a human thing, not a, you know, Nobody one. But he felt Roxas deserved one anyway. He opened the bag and pulled out two ice creams, sticky blue against their plastic wrappers. He handed one to Roxas. “Here.”

Roxas looked surprised at first, and then confused, but he quickly pulled off the crinkly wrapping and gave the ice cream a lick.

“Sea-salt ice cream? I didn’t know they had this here.” 

Axel leaned back on his elbows, smiling faintly. “It took _forever_ to find, you know. The preferred flavor here is mint.” Axel made a disgusted face, but his expression dropped when he heard Roxas laugh beside him. An actual, genuine _laugh_. “What?”

“What’s wrong with mint?”

“It tastes like toothpaste. Why would you eat toothpaste?”

“Why would you eat salty ice cream?”

“It’s not the same. You’re hopeless.” Axel’s shoulders eased and his smile widened. If he tried hard enough, he could almost convince himself that things were completely normal, that he and Roxas had never fought, never left. They were still battling Heartless together and retiring to The World That Never Was. Sitting on the clocktower together in the evening’s of Twilight Town, watching the sunset. 

The fantasy almost worked...but not quite. He glanced over to see Roxas watching him intently.

“Hey, Axel.”

“Yeah?”

Before Axel could do anything else, Roxas had leaned over, tugged on the collar of Axel’s shirt, and dropped the entirety of his ice cream down his back. 

_Cold, cold, too cold, why!_

“Holy shit, Roxas!” He couldn’t even bring himself to act upset. Roxas had keeled over, laughing himself silly, leaving Axel to claw the ice cream out from under his shirt. And when he looked over again Roxas was grinning, wide and toothy, making the corners of his eyes crinkle. Axel felt something in his chest melt, the same way the ice cream was melting sticky against his back.

“I accept your apology.”

Axel pulled the half melted stick of ice cream out from under his clothes and threw it into the paper bag. “What a waste of ice cream.”

They sat in silence after, Axel occasionally tugging his shirt away from his skin, and without a word or a glance Roxas slowly lowered his head against Axel’s shoulder. Silence, just the sound of their breathing, just barely brushing his fingers against Roxas’s. He was afraid to move, to break away, in case something broke and they were back to being sullen and ignoring the other.

And then Roxas said, “What happened to Sora?”

All the tension in Axel’s body returned. He couldn’t bring himself to look at Roxas, who had pulled away and was watching him carefully. He shrugged, nonchalant, looking straight ahead. “I’ve already told you, I barely knew the guy.”

“Stop lying to me.” Roxas’s voice was sharp, on edge, almost aggressive. It was enough to make Axel wince, the beginnings of shame unfurling low in his stomach as he was caught in his lie. 

It had been easy to lie, once. Easy to lie to avoid conversations about Sora, about where Roxas had come from, his purpose, and feel nothing. At first it had just been orders. Saix wanted their tool compliant and unaware. 

And then, somehow, it started to sting, make his shoulders hunch, but he continued to lie, out of pity and concern. And begun to lie to himself. Knowing the truth would only hurt Roxas, would make him seek more answers that would ultimately destroy him. It was better to hide it, downplay it. 

And then, finally - something Axel scarcely dared to admit to himself - he lied for new reasons. Reasons that he didn't want to consider too closely: fear. Fear of losing Roxas, fear of never seeing him again, of him going back to Sora and disappearing forever. 

The night Roxas left, they'd had an argument. He’d stubbornly refused to give Roxas what he wanted, in a desperate attempt to keep him _there_ , and he’d lost him anyway. Lost Roxas’s trust, lost his presence, even their memories together. Lost. He remembered the way it _hurt_ inside, as Roxas walked away, wanting to beg _please please please don’t go_ , and somehow he thought lying would still solve their problems.

He was such an idiot.

“Marluxia and Larxene wanted to use Sora against Xemnas. They used Namine to change his memories.” He licked his lips. “So DiZ is trying to fix him. That’s where you come in. You’re his Nobody, you remember things, and a Nobody’s Somebody is supposed to be dead. And if they hadn’t messed with his memories, maybe…” He trailed off, jaw clenched, finding it difficult to go on. 

_Maybe you wouldn’t have to go back to Sora._

“That’s why you don’t like them.” Roxas looked away now, fists clenched at his sides.  
“Yeah.” For the most part, probably ninety-five percent. (The other five, he just plain didn’t care for either of them, but he could say that about the rest of the Organization, too).

“Why didn’t you tell me before?”

“I didn’t want you to leave.”

“I left anyway! So why—”

“Damn it, Roxas.” Axel pressed a hand over his eyes, took a deep breath to steady himself. “I don’t know, I just— Sometimes I… I look at you and I feel like I—” _Feelings._ He felt, deep inside his core where nothing should be, where nothing _can’t_ be, and all it did was terrify him. “I missed you.”

Roxas said nothing and Axel dropped his hand and peered over, feeling desperate for _something_ , any kind of response, some recognition that Roxas understood. 

“I’m not going back.”

Axel reached out his hand, pressed it against Roxas’s arm, his other hand touching his hair. 

“They can’t have you.” _Sora can’t have you._ And he was pulling Roxas in close, lips pressed against his forehead, barely a brush. He could feel Roxas still, just for a moment, and then he squirmed in Axel’s grasp, tilting his head up, bumping their noses together a little too hard (ow), until their lips were halfway touching. It was a little awkward at first, but Axel didn’t exactly care. Roxas could put his mouth anywhere and it would be (albeit, unexpected) bliss.

They kissed, soft and slow, tasting the remnants of the sea-salt ice cream Roxas had inflicted on him, Axel's thumb brushing his cheek. He pulled back just slightly, noses bumping together.

“You make me feel like I could have a heart.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Centuries from Fall Out Boy makes a very good Axel theme, I think. It contrasts nicely with This is Gospel. Dysergy made a very nice cover of Axel's theme (the 13th hour), imo. Check it out if you haven't heard it before!


	11. Chapter 11

Roxas didn’t know how he got here, but he knew exactly where he was. It was undeniable: the blinding white light, floor of cool, shimmering stone, a long table stretched before him littered with paper and abandoned crayons. The walls were covered in drawings, some he recognized, some he didn’t. He turned to the doorway and there she stood, blonde hair over her shoulder, smiling faintly.

Naminé.

“I told you we would see each other again sometime.” She moved past him and took a seat at the table, flipping open the sketchbook in her hands. “But I was afraid it was going to be completely different."

Roxas stared. “How did I get here?”

Naminé looked back at him. “You’re dreaming, of course.” She put a finger to her lips, smile widening. “But DiZ doesn’t know.”

Roxas couldn’t help but smile back. He could count on his fingers how many times he had talked to Naminé, unexpectedly, but something about her was comforting and familiar, like they had known each other forever. Connected. Safe. He felt he could trust her, even if he couldn’t trust himself. And DiZ always seemed to appear, to take her away, to keep him in the dark. Knowing that DiZ couldn’t rear his ugly head and ruin their conversation made it all the better.

Roxas thought he would never get a chance to meet her again, but faintly he wished he could actually see her in person.

“So we can really talk, then.”

Naminé paused and set her crayon down. “I never got to apologize to you. For what DiZ and I did… It hurt you. It’s still hurting you, and it’s my fault.” The regret was plain on her face. “But at the time… It was the only thing we knew to do. To awaken Sora, to fix the damage I’ve done, to make you whole again. It’s important.”

A wave of anger churned in his gut. It was always about Sora, wasn’t it? He couldn’t escape his shadow, no matter how hard he tried, no matter what answers he got, no matter how many times he yelled at the world: _I am Roxas, I am me, no one else_. Roxas was only a means to an end, a nothing, a Nobody. He squeezed his fists together, red hot anger like he had felt in the computer room, smashing the computer to bits with his keyblade. 

“So that’s why you’re really here. To tell me to go back to Sora? Why can’t I just be _myself_?” Bitter, harsh, a little desperate and afraid.

Guilt. There was so much guilt plastered on her face that she looked away, down at her sketchbook, scribbling furiously. Roxas regretted his words immediately. He hadn’t meant to yell; she didn’t deserve his scorn. What DiZ did wasn't her fault, no matter how much she blamed herself. He wanted to reach out and hug her, but he didn’t.

“I’m not going to force you, or tell you what to do. You deserve the truth, and to make your own choices. But I had to warn you.” She looked up, chewing on her lip. “You’ve been having the dreams, haven’t you? I’ve been having them, too.”

Roxas stilled, suddenly cold. The nightmares? But they were just dreams, meaningless, a figment of his imagination.

“The Worlds are dying, Roxas.” She drew a big X onto her sketchbook, an angry red mark. “They _need_ Sora, to stop Xemnas, to stop the Heartless. He’s the only one who can.” 

“The keyblade chose me, too. Why can’t I do it?”

Naminé sighed. “It’s different. Sora has something you don’t.”

“You mean a heart?” His tone was angry again, despite himself. “Because I’m a Nobody, right?”

“You really believe that?” Naminé answered softly, so quiet Roxas almost couldn’t hear. When she looked up at him again, she seemed oddly serene. “I don’t. It might not be the same, and we might be missing something, but we _do_ have a heart. All of us.” Naminé smiled. “We just have to let it grow, I think.”

Roxas briefly thought of Axel, of the image of him swallowed into the dark abyss of hungry Heartless. How the thought terrified him, the thought of losing him… and when had these feelings started? He thought maybe they’d always been there, under the surface, and maybe it was the same for Axel, too. He’d been told, from what he remembered, that Nobodies didn’t have a heart. That was what the Organization was striving for, their ultimate goal. He’d never considered that maybe, all along… He swallowed thickly.

“Then what? What am I supposed to do?”

“Go to Castle Oblivion.” Naminé set her sketchbook down, letting the crayons roll to the floor. “You’ll find answers there. Then you can decide what’s best, for you.”

Roxas frowned, completely unsure of himself, and he had so many questions to ask, but Naminé stood suddenly and crossed the room. “You have to go.” She took both of his hands, giving them a squeeze. “I really hope we can see each other again.”

Before Roxas could respond everything started to dissolve, a fine sand that slipped away through his fingers, Naminé smiling as she dissipated. And then he was awake, staring at the ceiling, Axel warm against him.

“Me, too…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Namine a lot.


	12. Chapter 12

“We should go to Castle Oblivion.” 

Roxas had been biting his tongue since his dream about Naminé, unsure whether to trust what she said or if it had been real at all. It had certainly _felt_ real, and the idea stuck in his head. It had taken Marluxia and Larxene a good two weeks before they finally showed up at their hotel doorstep. (Axel was pretty upset that they’d found them so easily). And they talked. They talked _a lot_ , but Roxas tuned them out, unable to concentrate, mind elsewhere. 

After several sessions of ‘What Do We Do About Xemnas’ that, according to Axel, turned into a whole lot of nothing, Roxas decided to finally interject. It couldn’t hurt, could it?

“No. Bad idea. There’s nothing there.” Axel crossed his arms, giving Roxas a pointed look.

“It looks like you lost more than just your memories. You lost your _sense_ , too.” Larxene added. “That place is crawling with Dusks.”

He should have known they would dismiss the idea right away. He wanted to argue, because really, what _else_ could they do besides storm the castle and hope for the best? But Marluxia stopped him.

“Why would you want to go there?” He sounded perplexed.

“I just… I had a feeling.” Roxas suddenly got the impression that mentioning Naminé would be a horrible idea.

“Look. I already searched every inch of that place. There’s nothing there.” Axel waved his hand dismissively. “It’s a bad idea. Next.”

“What were you looking for?” Marluxia’s eyes were on Axel, something in his expression that Roxas couldn’t quite decipher. 

Axel pulled away from the wall he was leaning against. “Xemnas wanted me to find something called the ‘Chamber of Waking.’ But, _as I said_ , it’s not there. Got it memorized?”

“The Chamber of Waking…” Marluxia seemed to consider this, mulling it over. “Perhaps we should look again.”

Roxas would have laughed at the look on Axel’s face if he weren’t so antsy to _do something._ “So we find the Chamber of Waking and use whatever’s inside against Xemnas.” Roxas stood up from his seat. “If there’s four of us looking, it shouldn’t take too long.”

“All of you are desperate to die, aren’t you.” There was an edge to Axel’s voice, but his shoulders dropped when he looked at Roxas, almost sullen. “But fine.”

“Oooh, how _fun_. It’ll be just like old times,” said Larxene, but she didn’t look exactly convinced, much like Axel.

“Great. When do we go?”

They didn’t leave as quickly as Roxas would have hoped. He was suddenly filled with a new energy, anxious to move, excited to know what might be there. Axel also seemed anxious, but for an entirely different reason. Before they left for the castle Axel had pulled him aside, hands on his shoulders.

“Roxas.”

“What?”

“You’ve been to Castle Oblivion before.” Axel paused, as if waiting for some kind of acknowledgment. “You were inside for barely two minutes before you fainted. It did something to you.”

“Are you trying to tell me not to go?”

“Yes, but I know you will anyway, because you’re a stubborn fool.” Axel pulled back his hands. “The first sign of _anything_ and I’m pulling you out of there.”

“I’ll be fine.” Roxas reached over and touched Axel’s hand, briefly. “This is important to me.”

There was a ghost of a smile on Axel’s lips. 

“I know.”

———

Larxene had been right about the Dusks. They slunk around every corner of the place and Roxas’s palm was itching to whack a few. Unfortunately, as Marluxia said, their mission would have to be stealth, and they couldn’t just charge in. If the Dusks sensed their presence the rest of the Organization would know they were there. Game over. Kaput.

“Don’t worry about them.” Larxene licked her lips, knives in hand. “I’ll keep them distracted.”

Roxas stepped inside the building, a nervous knot twisting in his stomach. A few feet in he was fine, but Axel kept glancing at him. About halfway across the wide entryway and he paused, a sharp pain behind his eye. Shit.

“Roxas.”

“I’m fine. Let’s go.”

Marluxia had split off from them, to search the basement of the building, and Axel hovered around Roxas’s field of vision like a gnat.

“Axel, I think you care _too_ much.” He’d meant it as a joke, but Axel backed off immediately afterwards, uncomfortably silent.

They’d been there for what felt like hours, a dull throb in his head and a pain in his eye that made it water. Occasionally he’d get flashes of things, memories; memories of a silver haired boy, memories of him and Axel...and new ones, strange memories, of places he’d never seen before. He shook them off the best he could, determined, but his head was hurting worse and his vision was blurring, making it hard to concentrate.

“Well, there’s nothing downstairs…” Marluxia emerged from a corridor, looking unimpressed. “Any luck?”

“No, surprise surprise.” Axel murmured, hands in his pockets. “I’ve gotten lost in here for days and didn’t find anything. Let’s find Larxene and go.”

“Wait, what’s that?” Roxas had turned away from them, staring at a wall. His head was suddenly buzzing, he could almost feel his entire body vibrating with it, drawing him in closer, beckoning.

“Roxas, there’s nothing—” 

“Just look.” Roxas reached out a hand, fingers delicately brushing the wall, and then he jumped back in surprise. There was a flash, and suddenly, a keyhole.

“Interesting.” Marluxia stepped closer. Roxas could hear Axel murmur something like ‘it figures’ behind them. “How did you know it was there?”

“I just did.” Roxas summoned his keyblade, and almost like instinct (because he was sure he’d never done this before) he raised it toward the keyhole. Another burst of light and now there was a door swinging open, inviting them inside. With the patience of a five-year-old Roxas made a beeline for brightly lit room. It seemed mostly empty. The walls were adorned with a strange symbol that he didn’t recognize. In the middle of the room there was a single throne, much like the ones he remembered sitting in back in The World that Never Was. And someone was sitting there, fast asleep. Someone…

“Holy shit,” Axel murmured, stopping beside Roxas, eyebrows raised. “That looks like…”

“Me.”

Marluxia wasted no time, stepping around them both, moving farther into the room than either of them dared. He inspected the boy in the chair carefully, looking more and more curious by the second. But now there were loud footsteps in the hallway, someone running.

“We’ve got company!” Larxene was on the move, darting towards them, stopping only to throw her electrified knives at the Dusks in pursuit. “And they don’t want to play _nice_.”

“Roxas, let’s go!”

But he didn’t move. He was rooted to the spot, unable to look away from the boy in the chair. His head _hurt_ , expanding like a balloon, and he was outside himself, out of control, everything foggy and unreal around him. He reached out to touch the nearby wall, to convince himself he was really here and not some imaginary figment. A memory flashed before his eyes and it was like a light bulb burning out and shattering in his brain, making his knees buckle, breath hitch, vision fade. He felt like a lifeless doll.

Vaguely he was aware of someone shouting, someone’s arms were around him as he fell. The smell of ozone. A glimpse of a Dusk.

_I know it’s a lonely place_

_Wake you up before you know it_

_Lonely place lonely place_

_ wake up _

_ lon _

_ ely_

__

_w̵̢̛̲͔͕̙̟̭̥̲̤͖̙̹͕̪̼̳̻͗͊̏̉̈́̐͆̃͂̆͑̃͑̆̔̓̐́̇̓͐̽͋̓̐̉́̿͌̊̓̑̊̔̌̉̽͌̃͗̒͋͆̉̂̈́̓̆̌͂̈̐̋̅̚̕̕͠ͅả̶̡̢̛̛̟͇͔̰̩̘͇͓̳̮̳̲͉̬̳͕͕͙̱̥̘̘͖͔̳̰̩͈͎̰͕͇̜̝͕̟̼̖̼̳͖̩̩͉͒͗̈̀̍̃̒͗͑̒̌̂͒̄͊̈́̍̍͒̽̑́̀̎̿̿̌̌͂́͋͊̒̊̔̓̂͆͂̏̆̈́̂͑̍̒̑̇͐͋̀̔̿͂̓͗̚̕͘̚̚͜͜͝͠͠͠͠͝͝͠͝ͅk̴̢̡̢̡̢̧̛̛͉̼̟̟̫͇̹͈͎͇͙̮͕̳͔̫̱̝͙̹͓̰̱̭̟̻̘̞̹̙̤̤̖̹͕͕̰̯̱̥̗̘͙̥̤̮͔̘̣̱̠̲͉̙͕͓̟͉̪͓̬̮̩͍̼͚͓̪̊̌̀͋͐́̌͋͗̈͂̈́͒̎̂̍̽̂̍͑̎͑̓̃́̓̃̅͒̑̎̈́̏͂̌͛̌̃̈́̐͋͛̓͋͒̐͌͗͛̎͗̍̋̏͗͛̄̑͑̈̐͘̚͘̕͘͘̕̕͜͜͝͝͝͝͠͠͠͝ͅę̴̡̨̢̢̢̡̛̠̜̜̭̤̯̠̖̤̤̜̺̰̥̰̞̺̠͇̺̳͙͓̟̱͈̖̘̫̙̲̬̤̘͙̫͚̜̠̫̳̬͎̯̗̃̒̈́͑͌̐͊͐͒͆̏͂̈́͗̂̀̐̔̈̏̈́̆͌̇͐̽̃͑͑̿͗̈́̾̒͒͛̍̌̋͂̔̈́̑̃͑̏̆͛̊͂̎͋̏̆̕̚̕̚̕͝͠ ̷̧̧̡̢̛̛̛͉͖̝̘̹̲̝̰̲̘̮̫̳̦͈̥̩̗͍͚̲̝͍̲̦̣̫̣͓̬̭̹̩̦͖̞̻̼͓̹̘̳̙͎̞̪̤͙̺͔̠̌̿͋̉̊̉̽͆̒͑̓̂̂̇̈̍̒̓͊͒̓͌̇̐̑͒̐̈̈̓͗̽̾͑̅͌̋͛̑̈́̆̅̑̐̍̐̂͆̾͌͛̃̓̃̇́͐̆͒͘̕͘͘͘͜͜͜͝͠͝͝͝͝͠ͅų̴̧̢̡̢̧̧̧̛̝̺̺̦̲͖̻̪͔̫͈̜͕̦͉̻̥̥̘͉͓̣̹̬͈̘͓̩̪̠̣̟͓̘͓̟͉̣̥͕̬̻̲͙͙̞̱̰̪̣̪̦̬͍̦̺̤̣͖̹̦̬̭̤̭̜̭̰̆̏̈̋̐̍͋̈́̏͋͗͂̌̇̏͒̈́̋̌̉͌͊̍͋̉̀̾͋̋̿̽̿͊͒̈̏̽͑̐̔̈̈̋̈́̎̕̕̕͜͜͝ͅͅͅp̸̧̢̨̧̨̛͈͓̥͔̣̗̩̯͖̘̳̹̟̣̳̟̘̺̮͎̤̱̗̞̼̪͖̬̖͎͍̪̪̳̹̘̤̘͍̲̳͚̯̙͕̳͍̹̼̘̱̲̜̫̳̣̱͆͌̅̇̈͋̒́̅͑̎̍̓̌̓̉̃̿̕̕͜͜͝ͅ ̵̨̡̧̧͓͎͙̱̺̩͍̝͔̣͈͖̤̜̩͙̟͙̤̝̭̖̫͚̂͆̈̚͜͝ͅv̵̧͚̮̼̪̫͔̻̣̟͍͕̪̰̜͇̼̀ͅë̷̡̨̧̡̢̢̧̛̲̥̱͖̰̖͓̻̲͎̲̣͙̠̲̭̪͖͔̱̻̪̙̞͕̬̼̖̦͙̪͕͕̻̪̖̲͙͚̯̩͖́̐̊̊̃̈̂̊̂͗̈́̓̀͐̒̏͐̃̍͆͑͂̏̆̈́̂̈́̎́̒̈́̕͘͘͜͜͜͝͝ͅn̴̨̡̨̨̧̛̗̞̭̫̯̗̞̖̯̫̰̰̖̤͕̰̣͚̣̬̹̦̙̪͉̱̣̝̱̻̆̈́̒̑̎͌͛̄͂̐͂̑̎̍̀̓̓͐̉̅̍͑̒̈́̀͐̓̈͊͂͒̋̏́͌́̓̉͐̊̌̀̌̒̂̀͌͑̓͗̋͂͋̔̓̒̚̕̚̚̚̕͜͜͠͠͝͝͝͝͠ț̴̢̛͚̗̜̝̹̫͖͖̘̱̲͔̝̫̬̞͓̙̪̰̤͇̝̳̟̝̝̫̹̬̗̦̆̎̊̍̀́̎̕͜͝ų̵̢̧̨̨̢̨̡̨̺͇̦̖̩͈͔̪̖̤̳̗̗͚̣̝͈̫̩̦̩̮̦̭̤̙͍͉̺̯̘̜͙̮͙̯̪̝̠͚͓͕͉̭̝̞̞̘͉̱̲̪̍̏́͗̏̉͒́̍͂͋̔̉́̋̓͒̀̇̓͒̈̉̈͑͑̅͐͋̔̈́̊̔̚͠͝͠͠ͅs̵͕̦͚̙̻͐̂̔̍̅͊̌̐̃̓̓̈́̃̈́̂̔͋̌͆̐͂̂͗̈́͊̒̒̈́͗̃̋̈́̔̔̈́͒̽̓́͆̈͌̉͑̾̽̐͐̒̓̌͋͋͆́͘͝͠͝͝͠͠_

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Marluxia is harder to write than I originally thought he'd be.


	13. Chapter 13

The boy in the Chamber of Waking was the key. Roxas was sure of it, the answer to who he was, to why he had the keyblade, his purpose. It had to be more than Sora, some other purpose, but it disturbed him slightly that Xemnas was looking for a room with a boy just like him. What did it mean? Who was he? Why did they look alike? Was this what Naminé wanted him to find?

“Vexen was conducting experiments for the Replica Program at Castle Oblivion,” Marluxia suggested one evening. “He was trying to create a replica of Sora… But I was under the impression it was a failure.”

“Vexen _was_ a failure.” Larxene leaned precariously back in her chair, feet on the table. “And Axel destroyed him before he succeeded.” She grinned at Axel, eyes sharp. “Too bad you were on the wrong side. We could have made such a good team, so much sooner…”

And they had other problems.

A week after they returned from Castle Oblivion, the Heartless appeared in Traverse Town. It had never occurred to him that the Heartless had never made an appearance until now, and that worried him. And Roxas couldn’t simply destroy them. It was what Xemnas had wanted, after all. A keyblade warrior to destroy Heartless and collect hearts for Kingdom Hearts. 

Marluxia and Larxene would disappear for days on end, travelling to different worlds, to see if they could find a clue to the mysterious boy asleep in the Chamber of Waking. But they would always return empty handed, only able to report that the Heartless populations in the other worlds were steadily growing worse.

One morning Axel pulled everyone aside, bright and early, to the ice cream cart. 

“It’s a vacation day,” he insisted, as Roxas rubbed the sleep out of his eyes.

It was a little odd, sharing ice cream with Larxene and Marluxia. Axel seemed to have come to more of… and understanding since their rather disastrous reunion. They’d become almost friendly, but it was still bizarre; Roxas only had memories of eating ice cream with Axel. But the looks on their faces when they tried the sea-salt ice cream were absolutely priceless. 

“This is disgusting.” Marluxia, ever the wet blanket.

“Maybe your taste buds are broken.” Roxas licked the corner of his ice cream bar, catching the drips before they could fall onto his pants.

Larxene pointed her ice cream at Roxas. “You’re the one who thinks salty desserts are a good idea.” She ate two of them.

Maybe he could get used to this.

More days passed, and there was still nothing. No sign that the boy had ever existed outside Castle Oblivion, and nothing to suggest what Xemnas had been searching for.

Axel seemed to sense the urgency that settled in his bones, making it impossible to sit still or stay in one place. When Roxas would get too restless, snapping at the slightest inconvenience, Axel would draw him in, lips to his hair, murmuring quiet reassurances until he gave in and let the tension leave his shoulders. 

When they were alone they would stay like that for hours, lips brushing against skin, fingers running through hair, until Roxas would get uncomfortable and overheat or Axel’s limbs would fall asleep.

And sometimes, at night, Naminé would visit. It was his little secret, a relief from the nightmares that continued to plague him, growing more intense. They would talk about nothing and everything, about what colors Naminé loved to draw with best or how Roxas couldn’t remember the difference between a parrot or a parakeet, no matter how many times she told him. Never once did she mention Sora, or DiZ, or the choice he had to make, looming in the distance, whispering _quick, Roxas quick, time is running out._ Every time she appeared it felt like an unspoken apology, offering him a chance to pretend that nothing mattered. They were the only nights he didn’t wake up exhausted.

In his mind, Naminé couldn’t be a witch, no matter what DiZ thought. 

After months of nothing, no leads, no clues, ready to give up and start from scratch, Roxas began to have a new dream. A man in a familiar black cloak, walking down, down, down flights of stairs, deep underground. And there was a girl, hair blue as the sky, alone in the darkness, but she wasn’t lost. She shined, like a beacon, a guiding light in the abyss. Sometimes, it seemed, she would notice he was there, and she would smile. The man would call him an old friend. 

Sometimes, in these dreams, Roxas would be lucid enough to ask who they were. Most of the times they said nothing, ignoring him as if he hadn’t spoken at all. But one night was different. One night they looked directly at him, silent, and they raised their keyblades, pointing far into the distance, to a bleak, barren landscape of dust and jagged rocks.

Roxas knew where they needed to go next.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Getting close to the end, I think.


	14. Chapter 14

Axel never wanted to come back to this place. Something about it made his skin crawl, something about how barren and empty it was, and he’d love nothing more than to turn around and hightail it out of here. But Roxas wanted, no, _needed_ to be here, and things were getting too dire in Traverse Town to stay there. He hoped this was the last little field trip they’d have to take, and that they would get the answers they needed about the boy in the Chamber of Waking, and that it would actually be _useful_ against Xemnas. Axel had his doubts, but he was getting used to being wrong about everything, lately.

“Where exactly are we supposed to be going?” Larxene asked from behind him. “There’s nothing _here._ ”

“I think if we just follow this path…” Roxas stepped ahead of them, more confident in his steps than Axel had ever seen him before. Well, if he knew where he was going, might as well follow.

“How did you find this place the first time?” Marluxia asked, casually dropping his pace to match Axel's own.

Axel shrugged.

“It was a complete accident, honest. I was just trying to get as far away from Twilight Town as possible.” But he was starting to wonder if Roxas had had some influence over where they’d ended up, unconscious or not.

They walked for what felt like ages, Axel finally starting to noticed the large craters that dotted the landscape. Had they always been there and he’d never noticed the first time around? They looked like battle scars, marking the barren land forever. Had this place once been something other than this sad, desolate emptiness? Something must have happened here, he was sure of it.

He got an answer.

“What’s that?”

They approached a clearing, and Axel had no idea what he was looking at. Keyblades, everywhere, filling the earth as far as he could see, old and rusted and abandoned. Axel turned to the group, glad it wasn’t just him that looked completely astonished. 

“What _is_ this?”

Larxene bent over to observe the keyblades, tapping one with her blades. “They look useless.”

“Where did they all come from, I wonder?” Marluxia took another look around. “And who did they belong to?”

Roxas was oddly silent. Axel moved behind him, touching his shoulder.

“Rox?”

“I think…”

Without warning the wind picked up, gushing past them, sending a wave of dust over them. Axel had to shield his eyes, but he could hear something approaching in the distance.

“That doesn’t sound good.”

The keyblades were shaking, creaking, shuddering in their holds in the ground, clanking together. The sky darkened above them, a humid heat smothering the typically dry air, as if threatening rain. And in the distance he could see it approaching, a Heartless, bigger than any he’d ever had to fight off before, looming ever closer. Axel summoned his chakrams. Perfect, he was in the mood for a fight.

“Goody, I was getting bored.” Larxene was smiling, but it looked more like a grimace. 

“Alright, Keyblade wielder, time to show off for the rest of us.” Axel glanced at Roxas, but he was staring off into the distance, unmoving, and he was… crying? “Yo, Roxas—”

Axel was cut off by a Keyblade, darting past him, missing his face by a hair. _Shit._ The Heartless loomed ever closer, Keyblades shooting up into the air and darting around wildly. Lightning flashed ahead of them and rain pattered heavily against the landscape.

“I didn’t know Heartless had a flair with the dramatic,” Marluxia said beside him, scythe at the ready.

“You mean like you?” Axel grinned, and darted forward, throwing his chakrams ahead. The rain would make his fire a little less effective, but he could manage. He’d survived worse, after all. The problem was, now, as he looked back, that Roxas _wasn’t fighting._ He was just standing there as if in his own little world, completely unaware there was a _giant fucking Heartless trying to kill them._ What was with him and zoning out at the worst possible moments?

Marluxia and Larxene were holding their own ahead of him, after managing to fend off a few flying Keyblades. It still didn’t look like they were making much progress. It would probably be better to retreat and come back, and hopefully the Heartless would leave them alone long enough to find what Roxas was looking for. He darted closer to Roxas, who was now on hands and knees, murmuring to himself. 

“Ventus, Ventus, my name is Ventus, _Ventus_.”

Who was Ventus?

“Come on, Roxas, it’s too dangerous out here for this.” He leaned down to grab Roxas by the arm, a Corridor at the ready, but then something struck him from behind. Again. _Again._ A deep gash in his side, sending him down, his _being_ leaking away, and before he could get up again he was struck by another Keyblade.

Not like this.

He couldn’t move.

Not because of a stupid Heartless.

Please, not like this.

_I'm Lea. Got it memorized? What's your name?_

_v̸̢̛̘̱̭̑̓̈́̈́͗̌͌̊̎͊̀͂͊̕͠ȩ̸̹̻̥̪̇̎̑͗̓̒̑͘͝ǹ̵͙̳͈̃̅͂̍̇́̔̑͑͛͝ṱ̵̨̼̲̦̣̞̺̻̐̀̐͐̏̚̚ư̵̙̲͖̭̮͚̮̰͓͋̎͆͛̍̐̊͑̌̊͗͐̀͛̏́͜͠s̷͕͔̙̘̝̪̝͔̖̑͘̚͜_

_Lighten up, Isa._

_I want everybody I meet to remember me. Inside people's memories,_

_I can live_

_forever._

He was awake, unable to really move, something soft beneath him. He was in the Red Room, feeling uncomfortably damp. He turned his head, blinking, and Roxas was sitting next to him, eyes red rimmed, hunched and looking so small. Axel tried to speak, but couldn’t. Roxas leaned over, touching his jaw, something in his expression.

“I know how to defeat Xemnas.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Axel's having a bad time.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I worked really hard on this and I'm still not happy with it, but I hope you enjoy. I'll probably go back and rewrite a ton later.

It took two days for Axel to finally feel functional. Not completely, but enough to make Roxas stop giving him kicked-puppy-dog eyes. And good enough for him, too, because all four of them had spent the last two days cooped up inside the hotel room, avoiding going outside as much as possible, nursing their wounds. Larxene and Marluxia hadn’t gotten out unscathed, either, which made him feel a little less like a failure. And outside was overrun with Heartless, anyhow, the streets a ghost town, empty. He’d rather not deal with that.

“So what’s the plan?”

He’d been completely surprised by Roxas’s insistence that they needed to go to Twilight Town. What could be there that they could use to one-up Xemnas, besides Sora, who as far as he knew, was still asleep? Roxas was being unusually tight-lipped about it, only offering curt yes or no responses, or nothing at all. 

“The boy in the Chamber of Waking. His name was Ventus.” That was the most information he got. 

Even Larxene seemed abnormally subdued, and he had a sinking feeling that there was something important no one was telling him. But there were other things to worry about, like keeping Roxas out of DiZ’s hands, and not alerting the Organization that they were there. You know, easy.

“You know, Roxas, this would be a lot easier if I knew what we were doing.” Axel stepped through the Corridor that Marluxia had opened, Roxas trailing silently behind him. 

“You’d just kick up a fuss about it, like with every plan I make.”

Axel nudged his side. “Friends don’t let friends make bad life choices.”

“Yeah, I know.”

Too bad it felt like he was already too late.

* * *

“Roxas, what aren’t you telling me?”

They had been in Twilight Town for three days, going in what felt like circles. The longer they were there the more anxious Roxas seemed to be, and the less it felt like they’d accomplished. He’d caught Roxas staring at him funny all day, and instead of speaking he’d just quickly look away, trying to act as if it’d been nothing at all. He was getting a little sick of it, the silence.

“Nothing, I already told you.”

“Bullshit.” Axel leaned against the nearest building, arms crossed against his chest, staunchly refusing to move. “I’m not going anywhere else until you talk to me.”

Roxas looked about ready to pull his hair out. He stood across from him, that familiar, stubborn twist of his mouth like a challenge. They could stand there all day, staring the other down, until someone relented out of frustration. Much to Axel’s surprise, Roxas caved quickly. He looked defeated. Resigned. 

“Do you know anyone named Xehanort?”

Axel’s immediate instinct was to say no, of course not, who the hell was that, but something made him pause. The name echoed, resurfacing a faint memory from what felt like, what _was_ , an entire lifetime ago. A man named Xehanort, an apprentice of Ansem, long ago before Radient Garden fell into darkness. 

“I’ve heard the name before. Why?”

“Xemnas is Xehanort’s Nobody. Xehanort is why Ventus is in the Chamber of Waking.” Roxas was moving, walking down the path that Marluxia and Larxene had taken to find ice cream. Axel pulled away from the wall and followed, frowning. If he were capable, he’d forget that Ventus kid ever existed. He looked so much like Roxas that it unnerved him, and since Castle Oblivion, it always came back to _him_.

“Wait, so that’s why he wanted to find that room? Because his Somebody knew the kid?” That was one mystery solved. Kind of. “How does that help us?”

“Ventus has the key to destroy Xemnas. If we wake him up...” Roxas trailed off, accepting the ice cream Larxene held out to him.

“And how exactly do we wake him up?” Larxene chimed in, haphazardly tossing another ice cream into Axel’s hands.

Roxas looked uncertain, shuffling from foot to foot. Axel was about ready to shake it out of him.

“Just… follow me.”

* * *

“Absolutely not.”

They were standing in front of that awful mansion, the one where DiZ had imprisoned Roxas and he’d risked his neck to pull him out of. And Roxas wanted to _go back inside_. That last fight with the Heartless had clearly made Roxas lose his damn mind.

“Is something wrong, Axel?” Marluxia looked vaguely unimpressed, examining the unkept yard, broken statues, and dilapidated walls of the building in front of them. Axel shot him a look.

“You are not going back in there, Roxas. We can find another way to wake Ventus up. This is stupid.”

“Axel…” 

“Wasn’t this place crawling with Dusks before?” Larxene cut in. She stood on top of the gated wall, shielding her eyes from the sun as she looked around. “I don’t want a repeat of Castle Oblivion.”

“Namine said it’s safe. There aren’t anymore Dusks.”

“Namine?” He could feel something in the pit of his stomach grow cold, the hairs on the back of his neck standing on end. Realization, fear, hurt. Roxas had been stalling these last few days.“You’ve been talking to Namine?”

Only silence answered his question. He rounded on Roxas, grabbing him by the shoulders, fingers squeezing so tight that his knuckles turned white. “What are you trying to do, Roxas!?”

“Are we finally telling Flameboy the plan? Were we not supposed to? Whoops.” Larxene jumped down from the wall, directly between him and Roxas. Roxas stepped back, against the gate, as Axel tried to move around Larxene, with no luck.

“I’m sorry, Axel,” Namine was behind the gate, watching them, hands gripping the bars. Where the hell did she come from? “I wish there was another way.” Naminé was opening the gate, wide enough to allow Roxas to step inside, and his chest felt _tight_.

Somewhere, inside him, the pit in his stomach that always burned like the fire he held in his hands went cold.

“I have to go back. It’s the only way we can stop Xemnas. Sora is me… and so is Ventus. They need me.” 

“Don’t be an idiot! If you do that you’ll cease to exist! He wanted to run, to grab Roxas and _physically drag him_ away from here, but before he could, someone was holding him back.

“Let him go, Axel.” Marluxia, watching Roxas from behind the gate, emotionless. 

“The keyblade wielder was the answer the whole time, no surprise.” Larxene, at his other side, holding him fast. 

This must be what betrayal felt like. 

“So you’re all just giving up!? Letting DiZ use him like a tool?” He’d be angry if he didn’t feel so _hurt_. 

“It was my choice. My decision.” Roxas was finally looking at him, and he felt deflated, helpless, reduced to nothing by the look in his eyes. It was finally starting to sink in, the inevitability of this, how he’d been trying to prolong a dream that had to end whether he liked it or not. It made him sick. 

“I guess this is why you didn’t want to tell me. I’m just too selfish to let you go.” His voice caught on the last word, and his didn’t know why.

“Protect Sora and Ventus for me. They need you, too.” Roxas pressed his lips together and turned around, walking away.

“Roxas!” 

Roxas paused and looked back around. Axel felt like his chest was breaking open.

“I’ll bring you back! I’ll always be there to bring you back, got it memorized?” His face was wet.

Roxas smiled slightly. “Yeah. I’ve got it memorized.”

* * *

“I was worried you weren’t going to come.”

Roxas took Naminé’s outstretched hand as he turned, walking inside the old mansion alongside her, fighting the urge to look back before the doors shut behind them. Naminé led him down a familiar set of stairs, a creeping sense of dream overcoming his senses. He could still change his mind, stop this, run away and never come back, let them figure out another way to wake up Sora. But the guilt would eat him alive. Sora’s memories had been plaguing him since the beginning, and now Ventus was there too. His memories mingled with his own, making it harder and harder to recognize himself. Was he Sora? Was he Ventus? He wanted to be _Roxas_ , himself alone, free to choose his own fate.

It was a painful realization, finally accepting that he couldn’t continue to exist, that he was an unfortunate mistake. Continuing to exist meant putting his friends, putting _Axel_ , in danger. The world needed Sora, and Ventus, but not him; Roxas had never felt so hopelessly angry in his entire life. And there was no turning back now.

Naminé seemed to sense his trepidation, because she suddenly squeezed his hand and looked over her shoulder at him with a smile.

“We were born at the same time, you know.” She looked straight ahead again, carefully stepping down the stairs. “Maybe, if we had been born in the same place, things would be different.” Her voice was wistful. 

They were silent as they approached the room where Sora slept, neither willing to step inside, not just yet. 

“It’s okay to be scared,” Naminé said after a moment. “I’m scared, too. I’ll… have to return to Kairi some day.” Roxas looked at her, giving her hand a firm squeeze in return. “But I got to meet you, and that makes me happy.”

Roxas couldn’t help but smile.

“I’m glad I got to meet you, too.”

The door in front of them slid open and they slowly journeyed inside. The pure brightness of the room was overwhelming, but it was almost empty, except for the pod in the middle. The only thing that stuck out was DiZ, standing to the side, hands behind his back. He watched Roxas with his single exposed eye. Just the sight of him made him angry.

“I’m glad you finally came to your senses, Roxas,” were his only words.

“I’m not doing this for you.” He glared at DiZ, feeling an intense flash of heat all over his body. “I’m doing this because I _want_ to, because I chose to.” He wanted to say, _I hate you._ But Naminé was squeezing his hand so tight he thought she’d break it.

Roxas swallowed the bitterness in the back of his throat and watched as the pod slowly opened, revealing Sora inside. They really did look alike, didn’t they? But he was different, somehow, not quite the same as him and Ventus. He didn’t know what to feel, looking at him, but he slowly took a step forward, releasing Naminé’s hand.

“It’s about time I met you.”

Roxas felt a little awkward, not quite sure what to do, but he rolled his shoulders back, stepping a little closer, inch by inch. Maybe it would just be like sleeping. A nice long sleep, until it was time to wake up again. And maybe it wouldn’t be lonely, because Ventus was there too, inside Sora’s heart. It might not be so bad, and one day, in another life, he could see Axel again, and Naminé, and…

“I’m sorry I’m late.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Axel's having a _really_ bad time.


	16. the end

Once upon a time, Lea met a boy named Ventus.

He’d seemed sad, lonely even, and Lea had decided he’d do his damndest to cheer him up. And hopefully make a lasting impression.

Isa hadn’t been impressed.

An entire lifetime had passed, and in that lifetime he’d completely forgotten about the boy named Ventus, he never stopped to consider that Nobody XIII seemed oddly familiar, or that it might be fate, and that they were connected. All he knew was that Roxas had become his most important person, a shining beacon in the cold, dark ocean his heart had become. And he’d lost him, twice. At the time he considered finding Sora and doing whatever he could to drag Roxas’s ungrateful ass out from his chest, but… He couldn’t. And in the end it killed him. He faded away, looking at Sora’s stupid, wide blue eyes, searching for any kind of recognition. 

_I tried. Guess it wasn’t good enough. Sorry, Roxas._

Lea didn’t believe in luck, but as luck would have it, he got another chance. The next life. And to top it all off, he was a Keyblade wielder. He could hardly believe it. It was his third life to live, and he wasn’t the type to let an opportunity like that go to waste.

He remembered everything now, after waking up in that freezing room with everyone else. He’d told Ventus that they were friends, that entire lifetime ago, and now Ventus was alone, waiting. And Roxas was waiting too, somewhere, and he refused to believe otherwise. Roxas was his own person, too, with a heart as real as the one now beating in his own chest. Lea wasn’t in the business of leaving friends behind.

At night, alone in his room, Lea sat on his bed and held his keyblade tightly, as if afraid it would somehow deem him unworthy and vanish. He was just as shocked as everyone else when it appeared in his hand. But despite his fears it stayed, and it always came when called, and that filled him with a sense of hope he hadn’t felt in a long time. 

He would become a Keyblade Master, and he would bring back Roxas, _and_ Ventus.

“Just hang on a little longer for me, buddy. I’ll be seeing you soon.”


	17. deleted scene

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I enjoyed writing this part, but I couldn't figure out where to fit it in.

Roxas hadn't moved from Axel’s side since they returned from the Keyblade Graveyard. It felt like he couldn’t breathe, watching him lay there, unmoving, a gash in his side that looked impossible to repair. He’d almost died, Roxas had been sure of it, sworn he’d seen Axel starting to fade away, right there in front of him. They’d retreated, Heartless still raging across the barren landscape, ripping up the useless keyblades, and he'd felt entirely alone.

“You’ve been in contact with Naminé.” 

Roxas practically jumped out of his seat, whipping around to see Marluxia in the doorway, as emotionless as ever. How could he seem so unaffected when one of his friends nearly died?

“How did you know?” Roxas felt like he’d let some important secret slip, but was in no mood to try and lie.

“When you suggested we go to Castle Oblivion.” Marluxia’s mouth widened to resemble a smile. “She was born there.”

Roxas looked away. “So what? Why do you care?”

“What did she tell you?”

“Once I got the answers I wanted I’d have to make a choice.” Roxas looked down at Axel and thought of the current emptiness of Traverse Town, of the Heartless in such numbers that people were too afraid to leave their homes, how soon this world could be entirely consumed by darkness.

“Well, we have our answer.” Marluxia frowned, just a little. It was almost sincere. “Have you made a decision.”

Roxas wrapped a hand around Axel’s, giving it a firm squeeze. 

“Yeah, I have.” Axel would never forgive him.


End file.
